Get your shit together, Ryan. [Or, how cold-pitching can go horribly, horribly wrong.]

Get your shit together, Ryan. [Or, how cold-pitching can go horribly, horribly wrong.]

I just got a cold-pitch in my inbox from an “advertising agency”.

It included:
1. An offer for services THAT I OFFER. [Seriously?]

2. A critique of how I could better reach an audience that I DON’T WANT TO REACH. [Generally, ascertaining a prospect’s actual goals is considered a strong first step in developing them into a client.]

3. Typos. [I am HORRIBLE about sending emails [and the occasional blog post] with typos. Seriously, I know…glass houses and all that. But only when I have an existing relationship with the person and they get that I’m just busy and often typing on my phone. Prospective client emails? Um, no.]

4. A custom-made video outlining their ‘custom-made strategy’ – complete with a personal ‘Hi Illana’ greeting. This video was recorded by the sender in a wrinkled shirt and baseball cap, in what looked like a college dorm room. And their entire ‘strategy’ was to use Facebook ads and to boost my recent posts on the Makeness Facebook page. [How you look MATTERS. I don’t know this dude. He might be a brilliant marketer, but he looked like a total scrub. Now don’t get me wrong, If I know you, you can show up to cocktails in pajama bottoms and a trucker hat, but when you are trying to get me to part with my hard-earned $? Show me you are capable of spiffing up for me. What he told me by looking the way he did, in the place he was in was, “I can’t afford a real office. And I don’t actually respect you enough to iron a shirt to earn your business.” I don’t care that he ‘customized’ a video just for me. Wow. One minute and thirty-three seconds of regurgitating information literally everyone who has a business online already knows and you want me to be impressed that you said my name on camera?]

5. A very narrow window of time for us to chat about said strategy.[And after all that, you think I want to carve time out of MY day to let you sell me? Hmmm, let me think of the word…]

get your shit together


Here’s what I would like Ryan to know:

I don’t want to reach millennials, Ryan. Not because I don’t like them or something, but because I market based on the values, ideals, and goals of the people I work with. Not their demographics.

I don’t advertise on Facebook because, frankly, I don’t need to. If I need to, Ryan, I will. There is literally nothing I am offering right now that is right for Facebook ads. Anyone who reads my services pages and who understands what Facebook ads are good for should get that.

Blowing generic smoke up my ass will get you nowhere. I mean really, Ryan, is there ANYTHING about my brand that says I would respond to a pitch that reads, “My guess is that a big concern for your clients once they go through your branding, web design, or other services, is getting their company in front of more eyes since marketing isn’t something you offer.” The extra space before the word ‘branding’ is kind of a dead giveaway of where you copy and pasted my services in there. #imnotanidiot And yes, people notice teensy details like that when they get stuff like this all the time.

Also…apparently, I don’t offer marketing. Really, Ryan? Please inform the 174 [Yeah, I totally counted just for this post.] clients who I have helped market their businesses in the last five years. Boy will they be surprised.

Iron your goddamn shirt, Ryan. Seriously. And get some decent wall art in your office. You’re not 12.

But on the plus side, I’m mildly impressed that you managed to say my name right in the video. Good job, Ryan.

So the moral of the story…like always…

Don’t be a dick when you are trying to sell something.

Know your audience. Do your homework. Know whether they even want or need what you’re offering. And for the love of god, earn their trust [or at least their respect] before you try to sell them something.


Please note: I have turned off comments on the blog because I have found that we have far more lively conversation inside the Makeness Insider Community on Facebook. If you would like to join us there, consider this your cordial invitation.

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